amity. it sounds like your body is telling you that it is time to consider having a baby.
seriously. one of the greatest illusions in the world is that as children we think that adults have it together. then we become adults and wish we could see life as pure and wideopen as thru a child's eyes. or some people do anyway. others don't give a fuck about mindgames and remain in our bodies. that's us.
the latin root "adult" actually means "inferior" or "corrupted substance" (how supremely wack is that?). in this sense "unadulterated sex" signifies an unrestrained amourous romping and not kiddie porn.
I can easily recall when i was a teenager, and mostly made up of hormonal thrust, how i thought if i could just make it thru college i would come of age and cut thru all the mindfuck and emotional mess.
if the universe is big on anything it's laughs.
i don't think it makes for the full-on superyazz mindreleasing experience of this here life how our culture tries to do away w/ pain, whether physical or mental. pain at birth seems crucial to give the mother the deep feel for what an intense and glorious thing bringing life into this world is. from that pain the mother receives the shamanic strength to care for another being. pain is an essential part of birth.
we're all going thru the cosmic funk for sure. i've been confronted by so many fears recently sometimes i think i must be a candidate for buddhahood up against the board of cosmic directors. we're seeing what a large effect our thoughts and vibes have on reality. not that we haven't all learned that from a hundred acid trips. i did a paper in school on alien abductions where every abductee who freaked when the little green people materialized got prodded w/ intrusive instruments and every abductee who felt the instellar aw yeah! went on a joyride thru the cosmos. some of them even got to get psychosexy w/ tremendously insatiable and androgenous space creatures.
there is a part in the chronicles of narnia where the youthful travelers row a boat to an island where all dreams come instantly true. as they reach the shore one of the kids says, "you know, when i'm asleep and having dreams, some of things are not so nice. they can be scarey nightmares w/ monsters." they don't even think about it. they all freak, jump in the boat, and row away from the island fast. that's how i feel life is becoming more and more. it's really cool. it's endless confusion and fun.
here's the big thing in my life right now. i'll take the plunge; i'll step on a stage and freestyle or dive from a great height. but that's not the omega point. the other day we were on a beach and we were standing on allterrain skateboards getting pulled by a motorcycle over a goodsize ramp and getting crazyair. i took the plunge, which was getting on the skateboard. but as soon as we hit the ramp at speed i bailed quick, not even attempting to land it. i wasn't committed to the board and as a result i never felt the true freedom of flight (at least in that situation). there is the followthru which is just as critical as the plunge. that's when you stay aware enough to feel what you're doing once you've jumped into something way freaky. the plunge is typically the mental decision to dance thru your fear. for the most part you are the plunge. the thing is to followthru and take yourself to the most elaborate and unique and wellproportioned and radical and clear and passionate and relentlessly wild place imaginable. that is why you are on this planet now. it is fucking great. that is the life instinct for a human; to see what happens when you live outside the parameters of the mind. to try something wierd.
if you don't give everything to do this, it's not like you're doing it wrong or anything. it's just that your life will be boring.
i guess i don't have much to say on the whole getting REAL thing. making money to eat and travel and stuff like that. it's not my thing so much right now. i have no practical skills, I am still a diletente when it comes to the arts, i'm so all over the place i don't know how i'll ever become good at anything, but i'm w/ lou reed when he said, "i live more in a week than most people do in a year". it just began to rain. i have to go save the autobiography of malcolm x from soggy ruin (everyone should read it). i could go on to talk about how our culture is a dying thing and how it doesn't seem so strange to me (or childish or unwilling to face "how it is" or whatever) that people who make each other burn for life should live together. i mean, why do we not live together? because (hypothetically) someone got a job offer in milwaukee and it's time to go into the world? that's not the world, that's stupid. the rain is a very immediate concern. it is real. i look forward to sharing kitchens w/ you all. that is real. it is lovely to me to have friends together getting down to music and making love w/ food and wine in a open kitchen. that's grace. but now what is real is that we're all going deep within/without and seeing that life requires strength and self-confidence and proper proportion and being into what you're doing if you wish it to be a good fucking time. of course, you can always be a wimpy mammal in a cage. love and rage, rob. (i didn't use "you" in this directed to amity (except in the first sentence) but more like to all of us. you know?)
the universe is getting a big kick right now because i just talked like i know what i'm talking about. something tomorrow is going to fuck me up real good for sure. o yeah. the rain...